Hi sweetie,
Hi sweetie,
I was very upset/mad today. There was nothing that triggered me, I was just super p-ed off all day. I got some cleaning done and finished packing for the retreat tomorrow. Ellie packed her own bag, but I told her to put in it. Lucas apparently also packed his own suitcase. The suitcase is filled with about fifteen different stuffed animals and a few shirts. I don’t have the energy to fight it. As long as we have an exact count on the stuffed animals when we get there to make sure he doesn’t leave any, it’s whatever.
I’m tired of hearing people say “you’re so strong”. Why? Because I don’t freaking feel strong. What other options do I have in this whole scenario? I’m just doing what I have to do to manage myself and your siblings through this. I also don’t feel strong when I’m breaking down several times a day, every day, or when I just feel like I’m absolutely losing it. I’m just tired of this being my life. It’s unfair, it’s depressing, I’m just constantly sad.
I went running tonight and burned my angry energy off. I wanted to just start screaming, but I feel like that would be frowned upon at 7:30pm. So instead of screaming, I just ran faster than I was supposed to. It was supposed to be an easy four miles, but I had too much built up in me for that.
Ellie’s appointment with the specialized cardiologist is tomorrow morning. I have no idea what will happen at this appointment. I just know that the geneticist wanted her to see this doctor after her test came back with four genes of unknown significance. Will they do a bunch of tests tomorrow? Will they just talk to us and then we have to come back for whatever testing? I have no idea. Want to know what I do know, though? I’m not nervous. It’s a coping mechanism I have with my kids. In my mind, nothing bad can possibly happen to you guys. That’s why when you were getting CPR on the beach I kept telling myself, “don’t worry, he will be fine”. So it’s not that I’m not nervous and think they won’t find anything, but frankly I can’t handle thinking about them finding something right now. So I will continue to live in ignorance until I’m told otherwise.
We have lost the picture board I made for your Celebration of Life. I haven’t seen it since that day. Once we got back that day, there were so many people at our house and I don’t know what happened to it in the chaos. I wanted each kid to bring a picture of you to the retreat tomorrow and those were some of my favorites. I’ve looked everywhere for it. I asked Abuela if she knew where it was, it has just disappeared.
Before I say goodnight, I wanted to let you know to look out for Mrs. Holmes dad. If you get to meet him, pass along how amazing you thought his daughter was. I’m sure he would love to hear what a positive impact his daughter has had on the world.
I love you and miss you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.