Hi sweetie,

Not much went on today. We were supposed to possibly get heavy rain and wind from the hurricane, but nothing really happened. It rained most of the day, but nothing crazy. There was also some wind, but not much. I managed to run four miles outside so yeah, no real hurricane weather. They announced it after school on Friday, Lucas was terrified. You know how he hates storms and any possible tornados. I’m sure you would have been there to tell him it would all be okay and not to worry about anything.

I really wanted to just turn on Hocus Pocus 2 this morning while I was downstairs cleaning. I know everyone except Ellie and I hated that movie, but I liked our movie premiere day last year. It was just a cozy atmosphere and every time I watch that movie I think of that time. I still argue that it’s better than the first one, but I don’t think many people feel the same way.

I thought about you all during my run. A lot of your songs came on. The Foo Fighters and Bad Gru Rising are usually the main ones that come on. It’s like my brain is trying to work through and process the reason you had to go. I would like to think it was just your time and you fulfilled what was needed in this life. I tried to sit there and tell myself that maybe you will go on to save future generations of our family with the new knowledge we have. I think that’s just a coping mechanism to try and make it “feel better”. I also wondered if your nurse, Kristin, was meant to be there to help us. She showed us so much kindness and love during that time. Once she shared with us her journey with Cece, it just felt like fate that she was there. Then I think that’s maybe why Kapena was at the beach that day. He was the firefighter that started CPR within seconds of me yelling for help. Maybe he was there to try and ease my mind that there was no stopping or helping what was happening. I understand I blame myself because we were at the beach, but what if we would have been home? I completely blanked out when I pulled you out of the ocean. I’ve gotten CPR certified every single year since I coached in college? Yet in that moment with you I had no idea what the hell to do. If we were at home and I didn’t have someone helping me within seconds, I wouldn’t have wondered if that could have saved you.

I’ve always felt like I didn’t know my “purpose” in this world. I always wanted to be able to help people. I loved coaching. Granted I didn’t necessarily “help people”, I got so much out of that job. Seeing athletes just grow and reach past what they ever thought was so rewarding. When the 4x400m relay won PSACS my first year coaching, I cried like a baby I was so happy for them. I think I would have gotten more out of teaching if I had kids at that point. I’m sure it’s not everyone, but I’m definitely a person who would be a better teacher and understand children more after having all of you guys. I’ve been “stuck” though for years, trying to figure out what my purpose was. I had all these grandiose ideas of ways to just brighten peoples’ days like randomly giving a mom with a screaming child a flower and a card that says “congratulations, you’re kicking ass!”. Trust me, it sounds weird, but sometimes moms just need to hear that from other moms, especially when our children are screaming at the top of their lungs because a mom wouldn’t let them put a battery in their mouth or we told them it was time to go home. Simple things create chaos and tears with young kids. I get it, I want to scream to get my way sometimes too. I also wanted to try and make bags for the homeless people here in Hawaii, but that’s just requires constant money. Remember when we tried to drive around with plates of leftovers on Thanksgiving to try and give them to anyone we saw who might need it? We didn’t see anyone and just gave it to all the military people stuck working the gates that day. We gave someone a big bag full of snacks, wipes, and hand sanitizer to a lady in Wahiawa for your birthday. I felt weird though. I don’t want to offend anyone because I’m bringing them things randomly or anything. Honestly? At one point I wanted to just get Lego sets and bring them to a local hospital. I’ve wondered if somehow my “purpose” will come out of this horrible loss. I don’t know how, but I feel like I need to find something to come out of it because just existing in a world where I lost you is just too painful. I need to redirect the pain into a purpose. I need to keep your legacy alive through kindness and empathy, two traits that you excelled with.

I miss you so much and I can still feel how it felt to hug you. You were getting bigger and stronger, it was only a matter of time till we were eye to eye. I can still feel your arms and legs as I just sat there holding on to them for that week in the hospital. I wish I could get the feeling that you were here with me right now. I hope you know how proud of you I was. I admired your determination and intelligence. Watching you stand up for other people or go out of your way to help someone made my mama heart melt. I know the day before you passed I told you like five times that I was so proud of you. I hope you really listened. Please watch over us. I hope I get to see you again one day, my baby. I love you so much. Goodnight and sweet dreams.